domingo, 6 de enero de 2008

Memorandum a empleados hispanoparlantes de la compañía X

To: All Spanish speaking Employees

Several visitors to our office have brought to our attention that our Spanish-speaking employees commonly use offensive language.

Such behavior, in addition to violating firm practices, is highly unprofessional,offensive both to visitors and employees, and will not be tolerated. Therefore, we have decided to implement a series of rules in our office and would expect them to be applied.

It is expected that ALL employees immediately adhere to these rules:

1- Words like c*ño, caraj* and other such expressions will not be used for emphasis, no matter how heated the discussion may get.

2- Non important matters should not be referred to as pendejad*s.

3- You will not say la c*gó when someone makes a mistake, or se c*gó en su madre if you see someone being reprimanded. All forms and derivatives of the word c*gar are inappropriate in our environment.

4- Lack of determination will not be referred to as falta de coj*nes or maric*nerías, nor will a person with lack of initiative be referredto as pendej*, mama*, or comemierd*.

5- No Manager or Supervisor, under any circumstances, will be referred to as hijo de put*, ese cabr*n, or ese maric*n.

6- When a good proposal is presented, the term está de ping* must not be used.

7- Unusual or creative brainstorming meetings will not be referred to as paj*s mentales.

8- Do not say como j*de if a person is persistent, or se jodi* if somebody is going through a difficult situation. Furthermore, you must not say que j*dienda, or esto está del c*ño when matters become complicated in your line of work.

9- When asking someone to leave you alone, you should not say vete pa'l caraj*, nor will you substitute: que caraj* quieres? for "may I help you?"

10- When leaving the office, using the term me voy pa'l caraj* is not proper.

11- When any office equipment fails, it must be reported as "it broke down," not se descoj*nó or se j*dió la mi*rda esta.

12- Last but not least, after reading this memo, please do not say me voy a limpiar el c*lo con esto. Just keep it clean and file properly.

EL MENDIGO

Un mendigo se dirige a la ventanilla de un lujoso auto en un semáforo:

- Señor, ¿Podría darme mil bolívares para comer?
- Pero, ¿No te los irás a beber, verdad?
- No señor, jamás bebo.
- ¿Te lo vas a gastar en tabaco?
- No señor, no fumo.
- ¿Te los vas a gastar apostando con otros vagos?.
- De ninguna manera. Nunca apuesto.
- ¿Se los piensas dar a alguna prostituta?
- Jamás he tenido relaciones con ninguna mujer que no fuera mi esposa hasta que me abandonó.
- Entonces toma, no mil, sino diez mil bolívares. Pero vente a comer a mi casa. Así podrás ahorrarte los diez mil bolos.

El mendigo sorprendido, sube al auto y en el camino pregunta:

- Oiga, señor, ¿No se enojará su esposa al ver a alguien como yo que sentado en la mesa a comiendo?
- Probablemente sí - contesta el rico - pero valdrá la pena. Quiero que vea en lo que se convierte un hombre que no bebe, no fuma, no juega, no baila, ni sale a ****.